Thoughts For Your Hole- The True Story of Cinderella’s Prince Charming by Smith Q. Johns

Prince Charming

Art by Eddie Knight

Cinderella is such a bullsh-t story.

That kind of sh-t would never happen. Even MINUS all of the magic it’s garbage.

However, it DOES have a good arc to the story and it IS worth parodying. But happily-ever-after nonsense can f-ck off. Love stories where beautiful people immediately fall in love and we’re supposed to believe they would stay together forever? Nice try. They just want to f-ck.

We all know what would happen to that relationship: three kids, two affairs and one midlife crisis later, Mr. Prince is bonin’ horses and spending late nights in the Porn Castle (whatever that is).

Most of us know Cinderella from the Disney Movie, despite their being 70 billion earlier (and later) renditions. (In the porn version the pumpkin and the twin sisters are very prominent, no Porn Castle though).

In the Disney version the Prince is literally one of the most dreadfully boring characters to ever be on the big screen. But since he’s rich and he’s “handsome” we somehow FORGIVE him (and the sh-tty writers).

And of course it being a kid’s movie, we assume them both to be virgins. But I don’t think he was a virgin. In fact I KNOW that he was a ho. A TOTAL ho. But I’ll get to that later.

So, if someone were to walk into a bar and tell you or me the story of Cinderella as a true story, and they told it word for word like the Disney version (but in this scenario there wasn’t a Disney version and we’ve never heard it before) then we would assume there was more to the story than we were hearing. Right? (If you didn’t understand that paragraph then don’t blame yourself. It was all me.)

I can, however, tell you the real story of the Prince, in condensed numerical form. (And ladies, if you’ve daydreamed of this Prince then you’re in for a treat):

1. He was hella rich so he was probably a brat. (He was a brat, there’s no doubt.)

2. All of his servants secretly made fun of him for him thinking he was the sh-t. (He was definitely NOT the sh-t.)

3. He has a vast history of sexual endeavors and isn’t one to really make an effort in the sack (or with his sac). Had he lived when STD’s were invented he would’ve had 17, just on his lip alone.

4. The Prince was in love with Cinderella but not because of her personality, although he did like that. He was in love with her because of a certain attribute (and I don’t know if it was her bottom, bosom or face but the pheromones were definitely at work there). Let’s just say he wasn’t thinking straight.

5. The night he met Cinderella he went home, after she left him at midnight, and he had a threesome like he does every Saturday. He’s a Prince for crying out loud. They were probably slave girls, too. And one was underage I bet. And I’m sure there were medieval sex toys involved too. There always were. Nipple clamps and so on. I’m sure he wore those daily even while alone. I’m sure of it. (What the hell else is he doing all day?)

6. He was probably racist. (Definitely.)

7. He’s not perfect. In fact, besides his chiseled chest he is not even halfway perfect in any way. (I’m not saying a chiseled chest is perfect but what I’m saying is that people that even find a chiseled chest to be perfect would find him to be very imperfect.)

8. He has a disgusting birthmark on his taint (imagine that birth, ugh). Cinderella saw this when they pre-consummated their marriage on the second day they were together. She was very dissatisfied but tried not to overreact about it. (It was so bad, howeve,r that she had nightmares of it killing her.)

9. The night that the Prince met Cinderella he fantasized about engaging in sexual intercourse with every single woman he saw that night, including the stepsisters and Cinderella’s wicked (wicked hot) stepmother.

10. Obviously Cinderella was not the only one in the land that wore that size shoe. Even when I saw this when I was a kid I thought that was a huge hole (thought for your hole!) in the story. (Which makes one ask the question: if a story can have plot holes, then where are all of the butt holes in the story?) Many, many, other woman fit the shoe that day, all of which he intercoursed with later in life throughout his many affairs. But Prince Charming waited until he felt it (meaning he waited until the pheromones really danced) and then not remembering a single conversation.

Oh and…

11. He was a rowdy drunk and an alcoholic.

Now you know.

You know all the little secrets that generations of parents never taught there kids about the fairy tale version of Jesus Christ. Hope your childhood wasn’t ruined but if it was, let’s be honest, what a sh-tty childhood right?


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