Thoughts For Your Hole- Statistics Show Most Automobile Accidents Are Caused By Dudes Checking Out Women by Smith Q. Johns

by Maxine Danger

Art by Maxine Danger

(That’s according to my OWN “statistics.”)

I wonder how many wrecks a year are due to men checking women out. I’ve personally witnessed HUNDREDS of near misses as some stupid male-driver-friend-acquaintance of mine glanced over at a passerby. And I would say that most of those folks in my life are far less superficial on average. Imagine if you only hung out with people from the nearby frat house or something. Can you imagine how dangerous that could be?

Thankfully I haven’t been injured yet because of the ever so scary wandering eye, but it’s bound to happen.

And although most men ARE superficial and ACT picky they really are not, at least usually. And even when they ARE picky they will stare at someone with the intent of finding out if this person is acceptable enough to continue staring at. This usually takes at least one split second, if not a few. And this sounds like a very safe thing to do, and it CAN be, if you’re not DRIVING A CAR.

Guys are often (understatement) wired really weird and feel the need to keep their eyes on anything they find remotely attractive. And any walking human could be a potential “babe.” So, there is a need to constantly assess the sidewalks for ass (“assess for ass” is what I like to call it); that means every man, woman and maybe even dog, that one can see moving out of the corner of their eye.

This sounds harmless, and can be 99% of the time.

But we’ve all heard how many times someone has gotten in an accident for not paying attention for even a split second. And that’s all it takes. We know this. Also, how many times has someone you’ve known or talked to gotten in a wreck and there was no explanation? This happens ALL of the time and I guarantee you that the distraction was either a phone or female. And if it was a guy driving then he definitely was checking someone out.

You think any man’s gonna admit to that blunder? Wrecking their $20,000  car over some cleavage? Practically no one would admit to that, especially if they aren’t single (unless maybe they found the cleavage to be their favorite cleavage of all time). People might even admit to using their phone over losing their head for a moment because of “some booty.”

So that you guys out there don’t make the same mistake, here’s a few simple steps to keep yourself from wrecking… yourself.

1. If you want to check someone out make sure that you aren’t using large machinery or driving any vehicle. Preferably you are using small machinery and are not driving a vehicle.

2. If you want to check someone out make sure that you are not a passenger in a vehicle where someone else could be checking someone out and endangering your life. Watch the road in case they aren’t and then be prepared to take the wheel and say “Jesus, dude, watch where you’re going.” And then sigh. And once the car has come to a complete stop THEN you check out the person that almost caused your driver to wreck and kill everyone involved.

Those two simple steps will get you far in life, believe you me. They seem easy and they can be, but they’re not as easy as they look.

Even before the invention of the car you can be sure that men driving horses, boats and goats all had the same problem, even old Noah while driving that big ark, I mean, think about all of the beautiful half-naked women drowning whose lives he wouldn’t save. You can be sure that his wife was helping him navigate. “Noah, watch out for the rocks!” she would say in a thick Jewish accent.

And even when there aren’t other women around to look at there are still women to think about. Men have been letting women drive them crazy for centuries now. And it’s only because men are stupid. I can say this, because I’m almost a man.

So, remember what grandpa used to always say: “Ignore your chode and watch the road.”

Unfortunately the last time he said this was right before noticing a sexy herd of deer and crashing his car. His chode crushed in the wreckage. Sad face. 😦

[I want to thank you for indulging me while I work on this theory. I hope to conduct a few more experiments before I present this as my thesis project. Any suggestions or info in this area would be greatly appreciated.]

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