Thoughts For Your Hole- The Top Five Things You’ll Regret Putting in Your Butt by Smith Q. Johns

Clothed Llama

Photo by Alexandria M. Powell

Personally I would never do any of these, never talk about butts, never look at them, never anything with butts, but apparently some people are obsessed with them. And sometimes that obsession turns into carelessness and stupidity.

Lots of things can go lots of places but you might be surprised what things should NOT go certain places. (That was copied directly from a Dr. Seuss book.) My friends learned this the hard way.

1. The first thing that should never ever ever go up in there is YOUR TAX RETURN. I know I’ve wanted to shove this form quite a few places butt leave it out of there! Find a different warm tight home for it (or a loose one, whatever, no one’s judging you). I’ve learned from experience, err, I mean my FRIENDS have learned, that you need to be able to read ALL of the numbers and you can’t do that when the numbers are covered with stains. There is actually a liquid secreted in that area that erases numbers written by ink immediately. Why they don’t sell this by the bottle I don’t know. And why we aren’t told this in high school I don’t know either.

2. The second thing that you shouldn’t put there: CHOPSTICKS. How many times have we all gone to get food and were like, “I’ve got nowhere to put these chopsticks” and so we crammed then in our butts? I don’t have to tell you that it happens FAR too often. Butt until they make chopsticks beaded and with a slight curve too them, put them in your pockets instead, people. Just my personal suggestion.

3. The third thing is something that should be obvious (at least you would think) but it’s not. A clothed llama. Yes you would think that I could leave this out but you’d be really surprised at all the 911 calls that occur thanks to clothed llamas. IT’S NOT GOING TO FIT IN THERE PEOPLE. Christ.

4. The answer to number four is “four.” Are you confused right now? Why are you pretending you’ve never tried to put the number four inside you? (Come on we know how you love Sesame Street.) Also, never put four of anything down there. Three maybe, or five, but never four. You know how in art they teach you to never make two trees but to make one or three instead? It’s the same exact idea.

5. The fifth thing that should never go up there is frozen hot dogs. No, wait, I’m just kidding! That’s an urban myth. Urbanites would never do that. Plus, it’s totally fine to put one up (or even three or five, but never four!) However, there is a problem with them using frozen hot dog buns, frozen ketchup and frozen mustard. Come on. For one, stop freezing your condiments, gross. For two, clean out your freezer to make room for those buns and then you don’t have to worry about storing them places, like in butts.

There, that’s my list and now you’re on your way to having no butt problems. Have a safe and happy day!


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