Thoughts For Your Hole- The Top Six Things I Disliked About the Movie Noah by Smith Q. Johns

by Smith Q. Johns

Art by Smith Q. Johns

Here is my review of “Noah.” You should know, by the way, that I was very sick and on meds when I saw it. In fact, it’s been a few months now and as I’m looking at my notes I don’t even remember WHAT the heck some of this is or what I was talking about. But who cares right?

And don’t be untrustworthy of the fact that I was on meds.

If I was high and laughing a lot then you could probably bet that the movie was not near as funny and that you would need to be high yourself to enjoy it, but I didn’t laugh at all so don’t let the drugs worry you. (But I don’t really know about drugs so maybe don’t trust me at all. Your call. You’re the drug freak.)

I should also mention that I watched this while lying on my side, with heavy eyelids, while the covers propped my phone up. I also didn’t have it turned up too loud as my tiny brain was feeling massive sensitivity to sound. But you should also know that I’m a bible Conny Sewer (Spelling? Spell check was no help with this one.)

I know a lot of sh-t about the bible basically. I could f-ck you up in a bible quiz. I could kick your -ss naming all of the books of the bible. There isn’t a motherf-cker reading this who has read Genesis as much as I have. I don’t mean to be a d-ck but it’s true.

So here is my well-thought-out and very trustworthy list. (And if you happen to know the director feel free to contact him with my great ideas. I’m sure he would be interested in doing an alternate director’s cut based on my notes… I’m not one to hoard my thoughts.)

1. The Rock People – WTF (that stands for “what the fudge”). The bible (especially Genesis) is FULL of weird crazy strangeness. So why add to it magical fighting rock people? There’s plenty of fantastical unreal nonsense to begin with. There’s a plethora of great stories to tell from the big book. Why can’t someone (for once in the history of film) make a good movie based on the bible? So screw the rock people, (unless they were to be used in The Passion of the Christ Sequel).

2. Noah’s Shaved Head – there’s a part in the movie where Noah’s beard is trimmed nicely and his head looks like it was shaved by an electric razor, as if he’s from Portland, Oregon or something and took a break and walked down to Bishop’s Barbershop before finishing his 100-year project of building a goddamn ark. Which, by the way, did YOU think he looked over a hundred years old when they set sail? Me neither.

3. Girl That Can’t Pregnant – I don’t remember why I made a note of this. I don’t even remember this part of the movie but I’m guessing there is a girl that can’t get pregnant. I’m guessing I wrote the note because I didn’t think this part was in the bible and wanted it cut. But I can’t really remember.

4. Vegetarian – I can’t remember this too well either but I think in the movie Noah was a vegetarian and bible stars and folks from the Bible Belt are not down with that. They even brush their teeth with raw meat. (You didn’t know that. Look it up.) My question to you, Mr. Director, your audience is full of people that hate vegetarians, and want them all to go to Hell, so why would you take one of the audience’s heroes and make him “evil?” You’re ostracizing yourself, I’m telling you. Ain’t nobody gonna like your film.

5. Girl Who Has Trouble Having A Baby And Then Is Healed By Methuselah – Since when is Methuselah a healer? Maybe the translations I read growing up didn’t have this part of the story and maybe it’s in the original manuscripts (but I doubt it). Never heard any other thing about the oldest geezer that ever lived besides the fact that he was old as fudge. Fuck…

6. Ham’s Short Hair – I don’t remember why I wrote that, but probably because he has some Hollywood hair cut instead of long hair. This is probably related to #2 and Noah’s unrealistic haircut. It’s just like when you watch a 70s movie about Jesus’s life it still looks like the 70s because of their haircut. Nice try Ham.

And that’s my list. And because of my well-educated critique I believe there is NO way anyone would like this movie ever…

[And so I wrote all of this and, although I’m a fan of the director- Darren Arosnofsy, or whatever the hell his name is- I was utterly shocked to find out how critics loved this and how it also made a bunch of money. What the fudge? Maybe Christians have gotten fed up with having to watch the worst movies ever and will settle for anything. I don’t know. And while I can admit there are some amazing scenes, I still stick by my belief: Overall, this movie was horse shit. Thank you.]

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