Thoughts For Your Hole- All You Non-Christians Are Screwed by Smith Q. Johns

By Alexandria M. Powell

Artwork by Alexandria M. Powell

There’s a Christian song called “Friends” by Michael W Smith (not to be confused with the TV show of the same name). If you don’t know about Mr. Smith he’s only one of the most popular (Christian) musicians OF ALL TIME.

Speaking of “Friends,” the first times I heard about him was because he had worked with another Christian celebrity, Amy Grant. This was all when I was a child and unable to listen to actual real music. In my sheltered surroundings they were like the J-Lo and R. Kelly of my generation. (That may be outdated too; I don’t have a clue who’s popular nowadays.)

On a random side note: just like Amy Grant, Mr. Smith made it onto the NON-Christian charts briefly, both instances being very controversial with the conservative right (all of this being useless information stored in my brain that will never bring me fame or riches).

Christians referred to it as “secular music,” and I remember many kids weren’t even allowed to listen to these songs because they weren’t Christian. Me being in that category for a while. (You might remember “Baby Baby” by Amy Grant?) Literally the tamest song ever written but still apparently not tame enough for some of us.

ALSO, speaking of “secular” and random, they (Amy and Michael) toured and worked together QUITE a few times over the years. So either he is secretly gay OR they have boinked. Or both?

I’m going with the latter.

Just my theory.

But I digress. The song “Friends,” was neither controversial nor secular, and in fact was one of the most popular Christian songs of the 80s. So popular, in fact, that I still know the lyrics by heart, over 25 years later. Also it was probably one of the first to really put Michael W. Smith on the (Bible Belt) map.

The chorus goes something like this:

“And friends are friends forever

If the Lord’s the Lord of them

And a friend will not say never

‘Cause the welcome will not end

Though it’s hard to let you go

In the Father’s hands we know

That a lifetime’s not too long

To live as friends”

The point of the song being that it doesn’t matter if someone dies or moves away, because we will always be friends again in heaven; because we are part of that selected few who won’t be burning in Hell. So if your best friend is moving away forever, listen to this song and cry, but then move on quickly because you’ll see them again. It’ll only feel like a few days.

Like a little vacation.

This is exactly how it was explained to me as a child. By that logic though, what happens to the evil sinners that are going to Hell and burning?

THOSE are the lyrics that someone needs to write and since no on else has volunteered then I’ll do it. Here goes:

“Friends are not friends forever since the Lord isn’t the Lord of them

And a friend CAN say never

Because the welcoming DOES end

Though it’s harder to let you go

Not in the Father’s hands we know (disgusting)

That a lifetime is just the right amount of time

To live as friends.”

And then it would go on to remind you about burning in Hell and how you should accept Jesus in your heart just so you can see all of these people (assholes) in the afterlife.

I think all this mentality does for Christians is to help them cope with death of course, but most importantly it helps them to be okay with being fucking awful at correspondence when you move away, because hey, ETERNITY. I know this from experience.

Speaking of “Friends…”

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