Thoughts For Your Hole by Smith Q. Johns – The Love Story of Bounce and Sarah Palin

 Bounce Brandon_Barnhart

by Brandon Barnhart

Bounce was the Prince of his community, the most desired single around, at least of the humans.

He had it all: dashing good looks, a great job (as a cook’s assistant) AND he was the most punctual man for at least a hundred thousand miles.

His hair was also the FASTEST growing of anyone you’d ever met.

When he felt it was time for him to marry he held a gathering at the local convalescent home, the only place large enough to hold the amount of Republicans he was inviting.

On the grand day of his event he danced with every white girl there, one after the other, never taking a break.

Bounce knew exactly what he was looking for. He wanted a woman that could cook and clean like no other – someone with culinary and janitorial skills that could compliment his punctuality skills.

Once he had seen (“and stared creepily at” as his mother said) all of those beautiful women, he decided to compromise on those requirements as there were more important matters, he suddenly realized. He realized he was willing to settle for anyone that would fit his grandmother’s wedding ring or his mother’s wedding gown; AS LONG AS they had (and this is according to him) “BIG chi chis.”

But, he was willing to compromise even that when he met the most beautiful political figure to have ever lived:

Sarah Palin.

Yet he did not know she was a politician,  for he did not follow politics, nor did he consider Alaska part of the United States. And he did not even ask her name as his infatuation overtook him.

He was in love and hypnotized and thank God it was to his future wife.

As soon as he met her and she warned him of the dangers of premarital sex, they fled from the party and found a secluded area and had intercourse. But before doing so, he and a group of inspectors (some might say these were “friends” or “buddies”) took to examining her “hole” (as Bounce called them) to make sure all orifices were “clean, safe and worthy” of (a) Bounce.

Hers was unmatchable. His favorite (at least at this point in his life). He was in awe of how incredibly perfect it was.

But as things begin to escalate she looked over at the clock, which was nearing midnight. In a panic she ran out the room, without Bounce ever finding out her name. “What is your name?!” he cried but she didn’t hear. “Will I ever again see your hollllllllllllllllle?!”

The next day after a long night’s sleep, a big breakfast and a couple of hours worth of porn, he gathered his  “inspectors” to search the entire town.

“She had the fairest hole in the land,” he said. “FIND MY PRINCESS!”

Day and night and everywhere they searched and inspected, looking for that perfect hole. And hole after hole was nothing  but disappointment. They constantly found themselves saying, “This isn’t the one, this just isn’t the one.”

But finally they came to a house, covered with red, white and blue flags. Bounce became hopeful. He knew that anyone that had a flag was a good and honest and perfect person, but this place had many flags so he knew this person was something special.

A beautiful girl came down the stairs in a red, white and blue gown, and though she was beautiful he didn’t recognize her face. He never noticed faces of woman really. But if there was one thing for sure it was that he never mistook a hole, not in all his years.

“Inspectors!” he clapped, wrangling them in order. “In-SPECT.”

As the lot of them went to action the young lady continued to smile at Bounce. And he smiled back.

“Thar she blows,” one of the inspectors said when he’d found it. Bounce came over to verify, and indeed it was the Sarah Palin. It was mistakable. This was her. The love of his life.

And then they lived happily ever after…

Until Bounce met a knew hotter and younger Republican a few months later.


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