Thoughts For Your Hole- A Letter I Wrote to Christopher Guest, by Smith Q. Johns

By Alexandria M. Powell

By Alexandria M. Powell

Dearest Christopher Guest,

I was watching Little Shop of Horrors last night (I love your performance) and before that had just seen the documentary the Secret. I say that because that’s where this is all coming from. I wanted to send this to you, Six Fingered Man, because you are the King of Parody.

I have an idea for a script. I would love to write it, help write it or give it to you to write if you like.

My idea is a parody of The Secret. If you haven’t seen it, it has been deemed an awful documentary and can be seen on Netflix. It has an array of characters, successful and rich, claiming that you can literally get whatever you want and it doesn’t really mention actually working for it. You only have to think positive.

It would be hard to gather as many laughs as the documentary itself, but with your genius it could be done.

My idea for the mockumentary is:


About a broke, down on their luck, simple couple that learns about the Porn Secret and decides to start a company that produces porn. Throughout this process none of the actors look like actual porn stars and along the way there are obstacles and people telling them it won’t work but before long because of all of the positivity and positivity rituals they have implemented into their lives, their company becomes the biggest, most successful porn company in the world.

Obviously, scenes of actual porn can be skipped and replaced, giving the screenwriter the chance to be creative without being filthy.

I envision scenes like this:

A middle-aged man with erectile dysfunction saying over and over “I will get an erection I will get an erection…” And then, finally, after a long period of time— months maybe— he gets an erection alone at his house.

All of his friends are out shooting porn on the other side of town. So he scrambles to join them, getting dressed (still with erection) and walking and bussing and catching the train across town. Walking through a playground etc. He believes in staying positive though so he doesn’t hide the erection. He finally arrives at the studio, and since he called in advance, they hurriedly get ready for his arrival.

He arrives, gets undressed and enters his lover to finish immediately to the cheers and adulation of everyone around. “Positivity!” He yells.

Then lots of talk of positive thinking, of course.

I also see scenes like this:

They of course use positive thought everywhere. There could be a character stating how the Internet speed will get faster even though he only pays for very slow Internet. He is visibly about to have a panic attack while chanting “I will have faster Internet, I will have faster Internet…”

Another silly idea is someone going number two could go into a bathroom that only has one piece of toilet paper. They take a rather large and filthy excrement. They are wearing a white suit, btw. With positive thinking they say “I will be able to wipe my entire butthole 100% clean with this tiny piece of toilet paper, I will be able to wipe my entire butthole 100% clean with this tiny piece of toilet paper…” And it works.

I could also see a elderly couple in a tiff. One of them talks incessantly. The other one always replies with (confidently and staying positive of course), “You will let me enjoy the silence, you will let me enjoy the silence…”
“You will go for a long healthy walk right now, you will go for a long healthy walk right now…”
This then quiets the chatty partner, proving once again that positivity works.

I also see a character with only a few friends on Facebook wishing for an outstanding number of “likes” on an absurd post. It could be an out of focus and up too close photo of their dog and they say over and over “I will get 75,000 likes, I will get 75,000 likes…” And then their negative friend replies, “But you only have 158 friends.”

The possibilities for ideas for this are endless. Watching the documentary will inspire idea after idea as every character in every scene is a little unique golden moment.

If you would like me to write more ideas to help you understand my vision better I would love to. Please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Smith Q. Johns

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