Thoughts For Your Hole by Smith Q Johns- Sunglasses, Cool As F-ck

by Drew Baranowski

Illustration by Drew Baranowski

When you were a kid and you’d see people with sunglasses and you’d think they’re cool. It’s how you knew someone was a bad-ass.

But why did we think that? It’s completely arbitrary, sunglasses are often cheap and supposed to be functional and in no way make anyone look cool. All you have to do is buy a goddamn pair. Anyone can do that: Grandmas, kids, monkeys, anyone.

(Monkeys by the way? VERY cool with sunglasses. Totally different, not even comparable.)

What IS cool? When you see a person with a motorcycle strapped under them jumping 78 cars, because at least that takes effort. What else is cool? Getting your omega 3’s and eating healthy. What else? Getting to work on time.

Why are these things cool? Because it’s not as easy as just putting your hands in your pocket to pull out some money at the dollar store to buy a pair of sunglasses.

When I was twelve or so I realized that sunglasses weren’t as cool as I’d thought. It’s not like someone did something brave or smart or NEATO, they simply put on a pair of sunglasses. And what’s cool about that? Not a damn thing. By that logic wearing underwear would be cool (and I’ll be the first to tell you that it is not).

So since then, whenever I see a grown up with sunglasses, especially that aren’t functional (worn indoors/at nighttime), then it’s hard for me not up picture them as someone younger than twelve.

If I was a bartender and they came up to me to order a drink I’d say, “Scram, get lost, kid, you’re too young. Go home to your mommy.”

(I’d never say that, are you kidding me? I’m terrified of getting punched.)

I understand that like many things in society the movies, pop stars and so on have influenced our fashion decisions. But if you tell me the goth crowd wear black I understand that, but what IS IT EXACTLY about the sunglasses that make someone cool? And isn’t it just a dis on their eyes if someone looks better with sunglasses on?

But the thing is you can’t have just the sunglasses, at least not all of the time. Usually it goes along with a chiseled or sexy face.

Like when I was a dorky little kid and walked up wearing sunglasses everyone would laugh.

I didn’t have the Tom Cruise head, but had I, I’d have been cool as f-ck.**

A total bad-ass.

**i can joke about a lot of things but there is one thing I must make clear. I have never thought Thomas Cruise has a sexy face. I never have and I never will. I think he’s a beady-eyed scrotum sack with a turd face if you want me to be honest.

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