“This product may cause tooth-swallowing diarrhea, irritation of the tips of all genitalia (including everyone in your neighborhood) and burning of the phalanges, nose hairs and teeth. You may start barfing out cat hair and dog excrement and splinters. Dane Cook may show up at your door and you may start having visions of Kim Kardashian, sans Photoshop.
You may find an urge to unclothe yourself and sit on chipped half-broken glass bottles while eating moldy fruit. You may call all of your exes and cry profusely while your own flatulence can be heard in the background. You may find yourself smashing your privates with kids’ hammers and painting your orifices with kitty litter and maple syrup.
One may also experience swelling of the eyebrows, veins, ears and entire insides. Other side effects include herpes of the belly button, psoriasis of the tongue and eyeballs, and fainting over scalding hot ovens or while skiing. Do not mix this product with anything that has the following ingredients: sugar, salt, oil, corn, corn dogs, saliva, cocaine or water.
This product is not to be owned by baseball players or anyone else that owns a bat or chews tobacco. If you have a history of eating food, working or sleeping please see a doctor before using. If you rip your eyeballs out, pee on them and then stomp on them, then stop using product immediately (especially if you put them in your ears after all of this).”