Thoughts For Your Hole- Some Kind of Problem With Your Butt For Sure by Smith Q. Johns

Thoughts For Your Hole

by Maxine Danger

“Live every day like it’s your last.”

We hear that quote and we at first think it’s so inspiring. “Yes,” we think, “today I will take risks and not worry about this and skip this and I won’t clean my smegma today and so on.”

But living everyday like it’s our last doesn’t really work for a lot of situations, maybe even most. Sure, you should care for your loved ones as if it were your last day and yeah, take risks and travel and all that shit, eat a big ass burger every now and then, sleep with your boss’s wife if you hate him, etc.

But live EVERY day like it’s your last? Every SINGLE day? Maybe every Thursday or something, but you can’t keep that shit up EVERY day of the week and keep a job and raise a family (that’s what she said).

You would end up getting fired, having a heart condition, in jail maybe, single and homeless.

You’d have hemorrhoids and diarrhea and constipation (some kind of problem with your butt for sure).

And if you are okay with that, then the live-every-day-like-it’s-your-last is the plan for you. (There are worse plans. The live-everyday-like-you-are-Dane-Cook is a good example.) But if you enjoy your warm cozy apartment in the cold wet winter, then you better keep your job and pay your bills. And who is going to do that on their very last day of living?

Lots of people sure, but none of them respectable and none of them that you’d wanna be friends with.

Can you imagine hiring someone and then finding out that living every day as their last is their motto? “Yeah I was gonna cook those eggs but I don’t feel like it. I’m gonna go run through a sunflower field and do meth at sunset with your dying grandmother instead.”

Even the most lenient of crowds would not put up with that. If you’re in a band that loves you for being that crazy rock star persona they will still kick you out if you miss enough rehearsals. We’ve all seen the sequel to Amelie right? She gets fired for attendance. (She’s Amelie, though, you know, so she’s not going to be homeless.)

MAYBE live your life as if you have a month or a year to live. Or just to be safe be a wussy like me and live your life as if you have five years to live.

Maybe a better quote would be: “Pass gas every day like it’s your last.” Or as I tell my lover, “Have intercourse with me as if it was the last time.” (But say it the right way or it’ll totally ruin the mood, unless they’re into necrophilia).

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