Thoughts For Your Hole- Methuselah’s 714th year: Excerpts from my Seminary Thesis, by Smith Q. Johns

Methuselah by Brenda Farnam

By Brenda Farnam

His greatest and most exciting year (compared to his 637th and 968th which were sh-t).

He was able to finally have as many affairs as years he had lived (714). He had done this before but when he was 22, which is obviously kid’s play. He had come close to this feat when he was 514 but suffered a severe finger injury on New Year’s Eve, taking him out of the game for the remainder of the season (fingers being very important in the A.D.’s).

He was quoted as saying, and this is paraphrasing the 2nd Apocrypha, “I may have effed up a finger today, but worse, it has effed up my soul.”

That finger was especially important to him, and one must imagine it was, probably being the oldest finger in Rome or Jerusalem, or wherever the hell he’s from.

Also in his 714th year, he had received 400 BJ’s by the first third of the year, but barely any after thanks to the oft forgotten White Plague, but still quite an accomplishment for a short season (374 was the previous record held by his uncle). Just think of how many he could have gotten!

He also pummeled 17 kids for calling him “geezer” in his language, all of which were his great great great great great great great great great great great great grandkids.

Most of all Methuselah was known for his longevity, and impressive he was; lasting a whopping 63 hours in a bedroom excursion with a much younger woman who was about 215. She was quoted as saying that he had “the fingers of a 512 year old.”

We hear so much about Methuselah because of how long he lived but rarely do we hear about the man, and especially his special year; a great, forgotten and inspiring one that should not have been cut out of the Bible.

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