Thoughts For Your Hole- 10 Sure Signs that You’re Getting Old by Smith Q. Johns

No

Art by Eddie Knight

We shouldn’t be ageist, unless of course someone is very extremely really very super old. You’ve seen these types of folk: they talk about old stuff, hang out with old people; they’re a disgrace. But how do we decide who is old and should be treated differently and who is not old and should be treated normally?

A lot of people think they are old when they are not, and a lot of people are hellllllla old but they think they’re not a great-great-grandfather. I’ve come up with a simple way to figure out the truth. This is scientifically proven so let’s not judge until we know that truth.

Here goes:

1. You look in the mirror and you look old as f-ck

2. You poop on your great grandchild on purpose

3. You remember buying a slave

4. You have no interest in making out with your cat anymore

5. You eat cottage cheese and mothballs

6. You touch yourself when you watch Archie Bunker

7. You’re deaf as hell and over 100 years old but you tell people to turn down the TV out of spite (or because you think TVs are atom bombs)

8. You use a pepperoni stick to brush your teeth (not applicable if you’re Italian)

9. Your dentures were made in 1802

10. Your great great great great grandchild is reading this to you

There, now you know.

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