Thoughts For Your Hole by Smith Q. Johns

New Year’s Resolutions

Illustration By Drew Anderson

By Drew Anderson

My first rule for New Year’s Resolutions (or “NYR” as I call it in my diary) is that I can add them anytime throughout the year.

So if it’s June, for example, and I want to finally stop (or start?) peeing on the floor as much, I add that to my list. The idea of changing one’s course only once a year is silly.

If you realize you need to stop (or start?) peeing on the floor, then you shouldn’t have to wait half a year before you begin.

And if you’re the kind of degenerate that’s gonna wait months to amend your failing pee plan, well then your pee plan is flawed.

Speaking of pee plans, here are some of my actual goals from my NYR list:

-Read on toilet, don’t be on phone (done)
-Stretch before workouts, especially the tough one (done)
-100 kegs (male equivalent of kegels), whenever time allows (done)
-Always bring girlfriend’s clean clothes upstairs after taking it out of dryer (or else) (done)
-Don’t eat 2 hours before taking bus to school (because I won’t be near a bathroom in case I need to poop) (done)
-Pick out karaoke tunes, be ready to karaoke 2016 (it shouldn’t take me more than 2 years to get ready to perform right?) (done)
-Make sure I speak loud enough that I don’t have to repeat myself. Try to get to the point where people even point out that you’re too loud (it’s never too late to work on projecting right?) (done, kind of a work in progress, but much improved, usually)
-No more than 8 choc chips or M&M’s a day, unless with whipped cream (done)
-Stand while waiting for the bus instead of sitting (to burn calories like a man) (done)
-No more than 1 homemade burrito per breakfast (working on my lack of willpower, in relation to burritos) (done)
-Only one Chef Paul sample a day (working on my lack of willpower, in relation to delicious oily pork) (done)
-No more eating the free shitty brownies at work (always regret it) (done)

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