Thoughts For Your Hole by Smith Q. Johns

Homoerotic ADHD


Illustration by Brenda Farnum

The one and only time (I think) that I did an online search of “homoerotic,” one of the first things that came up (besides you know what) was a link that described how Top Gun is a perfect example of a movie with the aforementioned theme.

Which just goes to prove my theory: If you are a homophobic male AND love Top Gun then you are actually secretly gay. In my microscopically small brain this holds the same weight as say… the Pythagorean Theorem*.

It’s as consistent and reliable as A squared plus B squared equals C squared. “A” being Tom Cruise’s hideous laugh, “B” being his you-know-what and “C” well, you should know that one, too. (Don’t play coy with me.)

Top Gun being considered an essential homoerotic film also helps to prove my other theory. Tom Cruise is only a scientologist to distract us from realizing how much he actually not only likes Iceman, but wants to be an “outsider” with him on an “impossible mission,” if you know I’m saying (and I think you do).

But what’s really the most impressive thing of this whole rant thus far is how I didn’t even make one “The Iceman Cumeth,” joke. Not one. Not a single joke about cum, or cumming (by itself, not in relation to Iceman). This is a cum free zone right here.

But let’s not stray from what I really want to talk about. What’s your favorite quote from the movie?

Mine is when Tom Cruise says, “I love Scientology. Can I rub your taint, you handsome boy you?” (It’s one of the deleted scenes of the Special Edition release. If you don’t believe me then look for it. Google it if you have to.)

But in all seriousness, I’m just looking forward to the sequel, “Bottom Gun.” (You could literally teach your child to count to 12 by having them count all of the unfunny “jokes” you just read.)
I take my original statement back. I may have done another couple of online searches of “homoerotic.” BUT IT WAS ALL RESEARCH I SWEAR.

(In retrospect, and in my professional unbiased opinion, the Bottom Gun joke is pretty funny, you have to admit.)

*If you don’t have a background in math or English and you know how to spell “Pythagorean Theorem” on command then you might be a terrorist.

Now go Google “Tom Cruise handsome taint boy.”


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