Thoughts For Your Hole by Smith Q. Johns

Illustration by Drew Anderson

Illustration by Drew Anderson

Working title one: “Raisinets® Butt-h-le Artist, B.O. Tootsie Roll Butt-hole T-shirt”

Working title two: “Don’t Look at my Butt-h-le!”

Working title three: Seven Things I Wrote in my Journal Today:

1. One time recently someone offered me Raisinets®  and I couldn’t remember what they were but I remembered they were gross.

2. If you forget to lock the door when you go to the bathroom and someone barges in what do you say? “Don’t look at my butt-h-le!” (Hmmm?)

3. I consider my day a success when I annoy less people than the day before. However, I feel in an attempt to be some kind of an artist, this makes me some kind of a failure.

4. One time I was texting someone and telling them how insanely awful this bus reeked of B.O. and my phone changed it to HBO. “Ugh. This bus reeks of HBO.”

5. One time I ate so many Tootsie Rolls that my p–p looked just like a Tootsie Roll; same texture and color, just a different shape (if you want to know the shape it was kind of like a banana, like a banana shaped Tootsie Roll, except extra large size). They will clog you up if you eat enough of them FYI BTW.

6. What is the first thing you say when the doctor comes in for your checkup? “Don’t look at my butt-h-le!” (Hmmm?)

7. T-shirt Idea: “Don’t look at my butt-h-le!” (Hmmm?)

8. Idea for a website: dontlookatmybutt-h-le.com/hmmm

            Smith Q. Johns grew up with movies as his friends. Fried Green Tomatoes. He’s seen many a film adapted from books and read many books adapted from films (but not much else otherwise). Home Alone. He longs to be a horror/sci-fi short story writer. Magazines. He holds three English degrees, but due to a recent accident only remembers getting one of them (or one class actually). ENG 101. Thanks to the recent accident a recent mishap occurred with the police, and now he owes the kind folks of Blue Skirt for getting him out of trouble. NYPD Blue Skirts. In return he has promised to write his way out of this predicament. Miami Vice Season 3. His dream is to make mainstream soft porns in 3D. Cooter Davenport.

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