Thoughts For Your Hole- Wet and Shitty by Smith Q. Johns


Illustration by: Alexandria M Powell

There’s this grumpy elderly man than comes into my work on a regular basis. He refuses to smile and appears to hate it if you greet him.

I’m perfectly fine with that as l love unhappy old men (or even babies that look like unhappy old men). I’m drawn to this guy like a magnet, if only to force his lips to curl in disgust of me, like Elvis but with lots more wrinkles and a fragile pelvis.

Recently I saw him and his scoliosis on a rainy day and asked how he was. After a slight five second pause that felt like a lifetime, he responded. In his scruffy 125 year old voice he said, “Wet… wet and shitty.”

I missed a perfect opportunity to reply with, “Same way I like my women and coffee.” But alas, all I thought of at the time was, “That’s how I like my cappuccino.” As I’m not currently auditioning for Prairie Home Companion, I didn’t say that either.

He then walked off in his usual curmudgeonly demeanor and with his usual plastered-on frown. But I decided at that moment to reply that same way on rainy days; for the rest of my life, scruffy voice and all.

Whenever even a single drop falls from the sky it’s “Wet and shitty.”

But when I say that what I’m really saying is the vagina of my heart is wet with love for all creatures great and small, even a lot of the shitty ones (not marmots or anything, but most of the rest probably).

Smith Q. Johns grew up with movies as his friends. Fried Green Tomatoes. He’s seen many a film adapted from books and read many books adapted from films (but not much else otherwise). Home Alone. He longs to be a horror/sci-fi short story writer. Magazines. He holds three English degrees, but due to a recent accident only remembers getting one of them (or one class actually). ENG 101. Thanks to the recent accident a recent mishap occurred with the police, and now he owes the kind folks of Blue Skirt for getting him out of trouble. NYPD Blue Skirts. In return he has promised to write his way out of this predicament. Miami Vice Season 3. His dream is to make mainstream soft porns in 3D. Cooter Davenport.

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