Thoughts For Your Hole- The Bourne Identity Crisis

By Smith Q Johns

I had a dream that I was a Jason Bourne type character being chased by the government but every time they caught me I was doing some homoerotic action.

If you’ve seen the Jason Bourne trilogy you know he’s constantly being followed the entire duration of the three films. I had just finished watching the entire series again right before having this dream.

ist1In the movie he’s hyper aware of his surroundings, who’s doing what, how they do it and so on. He knows what potential weapons are in his near vicinity at all times. Those two tampons over there? Yes, those can kill a man (or woman, child, rabid dog). So, in my dream I was the same way. I was looking all over, but real cool-like. If those two German fuckers over there attack me I’ll beat the shit out of them with this umbrella.

But I didn’t always see them following me. So, for example, one time I’m walking through a hotel in a relatively empty conference room. I stumble upon my best buddy Eddie in there and he’s doing some sit-ups.

He was staying in the hotel and had just finished a jog and was topping off his workout with some stretches and all. (The funniest part of this entire dream is that Eddie DOESN’T EVEN DO SIT-UPS.)

So Eddie was in these short shorts (and I never see him in shorts unfortunately, real talk) and he’s got these very nice, muscular, perfect hairy legs.

So, jokingly, I walk over and pretend to caress them (even though I don’t touch him), and I say something like, “Mmmm, look at these sexy thangs.”

And of course Eddie looks at me annoyed but then I look over and wayyyyy across the room on the opposite side are those two a-holes that were following me and they just happened to walk up as I was acting a fool.

This continued to happen throughout the dream. It got to the point where I was less concerned about my safety and my life, and became more concerned that these people, WHO WANTED TO KILL ME, might think that I’m gay or something.

My life is at stake and I’m worried about a killer’s opinion of my sexual preference. But what was interesting is that I would inevitably go back to acting a fool when I wasn’t paying attention and they would always show up when I least expected it.

Who knew it would take Matt Damon and a spy movie to help me realize that I might subconsciously be homophobic…

Smith Q. Johns grew up with movies as his friends. Fried Green Tomatoes. He’s seen many a film adapted from books and read many books adapted from films (but not much else otherwise). Home Alone. He longs to be a horror/sci-fi short story writer. Magazines. He holds three English degrees, but due to a recent accident only remembers getting one of them (or one class actually). ENG 101. Thanks to the recent accident a recent mishap occurred with the police, and now he owes the kind folks of Blue Skirt for getting him out of trouble. NYPD Blue Skirts. In return he has promised to write his way out of this predicament. Miami Vice Season 3. His dream is to make mainstream soft porns in 3D. Cooter Davenport.

Artwork by: Tyler Chipman

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